On Gay Marriage

July 31, 2003

I don't know what the heck they're thinking.

I refer to the latest summertime debate. Some gay people want the right to marry. They're protesting and filing lawsuits claiming discrimination. Gay activists are giving speeches and interviews and trying to overcome the public's resistance to allowing them to marry.

And there's lots of resistance. The Pope sent out a strong communication opposing the concept. Politicians in Congress are trying to pass laws that define marriage as something that only a man and woman can partake in. Even the President says he'd favor some kind of legislation ensuring that only a man and woman can marry.

But as usual most folks are missing the real question here: what the heck are gay people thinking?

Sure, I know they want their relationships to be recognized and validated by society, just as heterosexual people are able to do through marriage. And there are lots of financial benefits that go along with marriage - pensions and Social Security benefits and many other goodies.

It is true that marriage is a good thing, the building block of our society. It stabilizes homes and communities and produces well-mannered children who do well in school and go on to become productive tax-paying citizens.

And I know that married people live longer than single people. A slow-moving domestic life reduces stress. And there is something to be said about having a life-long companion to support you during rough patches.

But, still, what are gay folks thinking?

The fact is that while they are pushing to embrace the concept of marriage, heterosexuals are flocking away from it in droves. Fewer and fewer people are getting married anymore, and half of those who do marry get divorced anyway.

There is a reason for this: marriage is brutal. Yes, yes, it is good for society but on a day-to-day basis it's not very pretty. Marriage, you see, is a contractual arrangement in which two people are trapped in the same house and the only way to get out of it is to deal with judges and lawyers and spend gobs and gobs of money.

You put two people in a pressure cooker like that, all kinds of things go haywire. Arguments over money and how high the thermostat should be and what color the walls should be painted. There is an endless supply of disputes that can keep an average couple in a state of high agitation and misery for decades.

And despite the unpleasantness of this contractual agreement, married people spend most of their waking hours recruiting. That's right, they target heterosexual single fellows like me and keep pushing single women at them - often times not very attractive single women - with the hopes that something will catch fire, a marriage will ensue, and then two more people will join them in their state of high agitation and misery.

Just last year my own dear sweet mother gave me six months to get married or else. She called every so often for status reports and when I told her I'd not yet proposed, she'd say, "You have four months, six days, 12 hours and 32 minutes to get married."

I understand it's much worse for single women. You wouldn't believe how their mothers and aunts and older married sisters talk to them. They tell them their clock is ticking, that they are going to turn into spinsters and that they'll end up old and lonely and die of a broken heart. Married people can be heartless.

Anyhow, as a shrewd social observer, I feel I better warn gay folks that they're playing with fire on this one. Throughout human history, they have enjoyed a reprieve from one of the most burdensome institutions mankind has ever created. They better be careful what they wish for.

Because the day may very well come when they will be married and raising kids and living lives of domestic boredom complete with bills and burdens of every kind. They'll be tooling around in minivans, coughing from the cold their kids gave them and squabbling with their partner over the most insignificant of things.

And while they're doing all the heavy lifting, heterosexual single people will be at the beach. We'll be laughing and relaxing and drinking adult beverages with little umbrellas in them.

And dodging phone calls from married people.

Tom Purcell