The Food Pyramid

September 12, 2003

"What do you mean the Food Guide Pyramid is wrong? I thought the government updated it in 1992?"

"Yes, the pyramid was designed by a committee formed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Department of Health and Human Services. It encouraged people to eat less fat and replace fat calories with calories from carbohydrates."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Well, the pyramid encouraged 11 servings a day of foods rich in carbohydrates, such as bread, cereal, rice, pasta, etc. It also recommends potatoes. We now know these things can cause obesity."

"Obesity! You've been telling us to eat food that makes us fat?"

"Well, it's not all our fault. So many carbs are made with processed ingredients. All the fiber is scrubbed out. When you eat highly processed cereal, pasta or rice, it's as good as eating sugar right out of a bowl."

"Now you tell us!"

"And fat isn't so bad after all. Some fat is bad, but some fat is good. Trans fats increase the risk of heart disease, for instance, but fats such as omega-3 that can lower the risk."

"For the love of god!"

"Well, it's not all our fault. There were political pressures. Some of the scientists on the original committee received lucrative grants from the meat, fruit, vegetable and dairy people. We'll never know how much their recommendations were influenced by money. And there was the stupidity factor."

"The stupidity factor?"

"You see, proper nutrition is complicated but Americans like things simple. The pyramid sought to simplify proper nutrition so you morons could understand it."

"Hey, American eaters may be morons but our nutrition scientists are nitwits. Thanks to you, we avoided fat and devoured carbs and now 65% of Americans are overweight. Diabetes and heart disease have increased astronomically."

"There is some truth in your charge."

"Then a fellow named Dr. Dean Garnish told us we could reverse heart disease by cutting out all fats and eat food that tastes like cardboard. They should call him Dr. Garnish."

"Garnish?"

"Yes, because that's the size of the portions he recommends. But then Dr. Atkins came to our rescue. He said we could eat as much beef, nuts, cheese and eggs as we wanted, just so long as we avoided the carbs. God rest your soul, doc!"

"But the government is wary of that diet."

"But there have been a number of recent independent studies that show the Atkins diet works better than the low-calorie, low-fat diets, and that it even reduces bad cholesterol just like the good doc said it would!"

"Whatever."

"And now there is the South Beach Diet. Dr. Arthur Agatston shows us how to eat good fats and good carbs and avoid bad fats and bad carbs. He even lets us drink wine!"

"What's your point?"

"Look, American science has got us to the moon and back. You've deciphered the human genome - the blueprint for how to build a human. You've invented powerful computers that sit on the head of a pin. Why can't you agree on what we're supposed to eat?"

"Well, that's exactly what we're doing. The Agriculture Department plans to assemble a new scientific committee to revise the pyramid. We're going to account for people's age, gender, weight and the amount of exercise they get so they can better calculate their dietary needs."

"And you're going to get it right this time?"

"Well, we'll certainly give it a whirl. There will always be political pressures as a lot of money is at stake - or should I say steak?"

"You're a regular comedian. And when will the new pyramid be ready?"

"We expect to release it in 2005."

"2005! What are we supposed to eat in the mean time?"

"Nobody knows."

Tom Purcell