New Year's Resolutions

December 31, 2003

"What do you mean you have no personal New Year's resolutions?"

"Look, I'm sick of making resolutions for myself. This year I'm making resolutions for other people."

"Other people?"

"Yeah, I'm tired of so many Americans moaning and complaining and overlooking how good we have it here. So this year I resolve to give some of the whiners and complainers some positive direction."

"A bit presumptuous, but go on."

"Let me start with the Democrats running for president. I understand that in politics the goal is to make the other guy look bad, but if someone handed these guys a bag of gold, they'd say it was Bush's fault for making the bag too heavy."

"How true."

"Take Howard Dean. He was making hay among his party's left wing by running against Bush's decision to invade Iraq. The truth is we won't know the full impact of this preemptive strike for some time. But when we captured Saddam Hussein all Dean could come up with was that America is still NOT any safer. How absurd."

"He said that indeed."

"Then Libya decides to come clean on its weapons of mass destruction, a clear sign that Bush's aggressive tactics in the war on terror are yielding some positive results to make the world safer. But Democrats pretend like that would have happened anyhow."

"Also true."

"And now, thanks to Bush's tax cuts for everyone including the rich, the economy is really starting to hum. The stock market is blossoming, the economy is growing and just last week jobless claims were they lowest they've been since Bush became president."

"No argument there."

"And last week a Canadian cow is found in America with Mad Cow Disease and the first things Democrats say is that Bush is at fault - even though a Washington Post editorial says the government's beef-screening process is actually working well."

"So what do you suggest?"

"I resolve that Democrats quit whining about how dumb and wrong Bush is and instead raise and debate important issues for the good of our country. Competition is good for everyone, but the Democrats aren't doing anybody any good, least of all themselves."

"I can see you have a lot to get off your chest."

"I'm just getting warmed up. I resolve that all the junk on broadcast television gets canned. You notice that as premium cable channels like HBO air higher and higher quality programming the stuff on the broadcast channels is getting even worse? That means only people who can afford HBO are watching the good stuff. I resolve that everyone purchases HBO this year."

"An odd resolution, but go on."

"I resolve that men stop becoming such wimps. Another study came out recently that shows that every time an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is aired, men are more likely to go shopping - with other men. Look, men don't shop with other men. In fact, men don't shop until their wives and girlfriends force them to. Goodness gracious, what are men coming to in this country."

"It's the metrosexual trend, I'm afraid."

"I resolve that people with personal problems, especially celebrities, keep their problems to themselves. Nobody wants to know your trials and tribulations, OK."

"Here, here."

"I resolve that Dr. Atkin's is posthumously awarded the Medal of Freedom this year. Thanks to the good doctor, millions of people are free to lose weight eating the tasty whole-food treats of their choosing. I'll bet if we shared this diet with people in the Middle East, peace would finally break out!"

"To be sure. Any other resolutions?"

"Just one. I resolve that Republicans start acting like Republicans again. What the heck happened to the Contract with America? They used to preach thriftiness and small government, now they're spending dough like Martha Stewart at an insider-trading sale."

Tom Purcell

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