By Jonathan David Morris It’s not easy being a weekly columnist. Every week, in order to keep my readers, I must challenge conventional wisdom to a fistfight. Sometimes this means saying the things other people are thinking. Other times, it means saying the things people think they are thinking, but think they shouldn’t say....
Over the summer, Geno’s Steaks in Philly made national headlines when owner Joey Vento posted a sign in his window saying: “This is America. When ordering, speak English.†The whole City of Philadelphia could use the same reminder. In fact, so could the country. I don’t know what the hell language we’re speaking in...
by Jonathan David Morris I’ve never been comfortable calling 9/11 “9-11.†I’m not sure why this is. I’m not usually big on slash marks. Yet something about the hyphenated version of 9/11 has always bothered me. The only time I ever hyphenate the “9†and “11†in 9/11 is when I’m saving a file...
by Jonathan David Morris The same day our nation commemorated the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, I learned that the state of California had passedâ€â€Âand was now waiting for Governor Schwarzenegger to signâ€â€Âa new measure legalizing industrial hemp crops. This is very encouraging news. It’s just unfortunate no one realizes this is part...
by Jonathan David Morris Dear Uncanny Image of the Virgin Mary: I’ve noticed you have a thing lately for appearing to people in the form of their foodstuffs. A St. Louis man, for instance, recently discovered your likeness in the greasy drip pan of his signature George Foreman Grill. Only days before that, workers...
by Jonathan David Morris One of my editors asked me to write a back-to-school column this week. This assignment is difficult for two important reasons: 1. To me, back-to-school means buying school supplies. Unfortunately, I know little about that process. When I was six, my mom overbought book covers, pencils, and folders. It was...
by Jonathan David Morris A guy I know told me the other day he doesn’t plan on seeing Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center. When I asked him why, he told me he doesn’t feel the need to “relive†September 11th. I thought this remark was somewhat unusual. World Trade Center is about two Port...
by Jonathan David Morris I can’t take it anymore. Enough with the whining. Stop it with the hypocrisy. A couple of weeks ago, Floyd Landis was an ex-Mennonite turned Tour de France hero. People were calling him the new face of sports bravery for winning the world’s toughest bike race in spite of needing...
by Jonathan David Morris China and Russia are big countries. When world leaders met at the recent G8 summit, President Bush was caught cursing, chewing like a cow, and massaging the shoulders of Germany’s female chancellor on camera. He was also recorded by an open mic informing a Chinese officialâ€â€Âreportedly the Chinese presidentâ€â€Âthat China...
Former beard wearer and popular vote winner Al Gore has a new movie out this month called An Inconvenient Truth. In it, he makes the case that humans have but ten years to reverse course and stave off the horrors of global warming. Assuming this thesis is anywhere near trueâ€â€Âand what the hell, let’s...
America is a strange country. Last week, the U.S. military ended the life of one Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a high-profile terrorist leader who had been wreaking relative havoc both on Iraq as well as my MS Word spellchecker for years. Like most Americans, I consider Zarqawi’s death to be generally helpful. I also tend...
By Jonathan David Morris Two and a half years ago, I wrote a column called “So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish,†in which I came out against the Iraq War before war supporters coming out against the Iraq War was cool. I’ve always looked back upon that column fondly, but I have...
by Jonathan David Morris Dear Commissioners of the Federal Communications Commission, I must say as an American my entire life I am stunned by what this country has come to....
by Jonathan David Morris Should I consider it weird how none of my friends have ever joined the army? In and of itself, I suppose this feat is nothing exceptional. I know lots of people who’ve never done lots of things. Like racecar driving or becoming an astronaut. After September 11th, however, lots of...
by Jonathan David Morris  We’ve all seen the Dateline specials. We all know there are child molesters living amongst us. We’ve all watched Fox News or CNN during an Amber Alert. And we all know there are kidnappers living amongst us, too. Any of us who have ever watched the news know there...
Charlie Sheen likes prostitutes. On March 20th, the aforementioned actor appeared on the Alex Jones radio show to discuss his thoughts on 9/11. He said he didn’t believe that a plane hit the Pentagon, and added the Twin Towers looked like they were imploded. And the best response anyone could come up with was...
by Jonathan David Morris You know, I’m not going to lie to you. Sometimes I’m too open-minded for my own good. I’ve been sitting here for the last couple of hours, trying to get started on this week’s article. The topic I’ve been planning to write about is the recent spate of Muslim riots,...
by Jonathan David Morris A funny thing happened on the way to President Bush’s State of the Union last Tuesday. Actually, a funny thing happened at President Bush’s State of the Union last Tuesday. That night, two very different women were ejected for wearing two very different politically-themed articles of clothing. One was anti-war...
by Jonathan David Morris Last week, Drew Westen of Emory University announced the results of a study conducted before the 2004 election, which examined the brains of George Bush and John Kerry supporters. The results of this study suggested that partisan thinking derives not from reason but pure emotion. When faced with favorable facts...
by Jonathan David Morris I never thought I would say this. In fact, I may regret saying it. But I’ve been thinking lately. And looking back, I’m sort of happy I voted for Al Gore. I was never a big Gore fan. I spent most of the year 2000 switching back and forth between...
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