Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox Swears in Kids as Deadbeat Deputies

Satire

By Rex Stout
March 13, 2005

Mike Cox proves to be a dogged deadbeat dad Javert. He has produced the PayKids Billboard Contest, promotes felony charges for deadbeats and ten year sentences for those so convicted. Today, Mike Cox swears in kids as deadbeat deputies and films the raids! Michael Moore must be envious.

The attorney general's new program recruits the grammar school children of deadbeat dads to ride with officers during arrests of their sperm donors. The program will solicit a child's help when placing handcuffs on his dad's wrists and will encourage the child to beat the man in the ass with a headless GI Jo as dad is led a way by officers....

The spokes woman for Mike Cox's office, Kathy Berks, says " the headless doll flagellation is meant to drive home the message that if the deadbeat had a job the doll would have a head!"

The unveiling of the program will be dramatized by Mike Cox and his swat cops storming a somnolent deadbeat 's boxcar in the dead of night. Mike Cox will lead his team donning a Keystone Cop outfit, with cudgel drawn and child in tow. The bust will be broadcast on Father's Day by the hit TV program U-per Fuss Buzz.

The spokes woman quickly adds, "Don't think this has been all fun and games for us; Mr. Cox's office was flooded with the clamor of mothers who delayed the program till Mr. Cox resolved the ex's demands to be allowed to participate. The spokes woman would not elaborate on how the attorney general satisfied their demands to participate but a leak suggests that the ex's have negotiated a deal that allows them to be the "bad cop" while dad is being interrogated.

"The night raids were decided on so that the program would not interfere with the children's schooling. This will be a great field trip for the kids and a good object lesson for the children in the use of symbolism to make appoint, " says Mike Cox. "I have decided that each child that participates will be given a minuter of the Keystone Cop uniform I'll be wearing on the raids. But the bludgeon will not be reward unless the child fully participates in the handcuffing and scourging. If he freaks out or cries like a baby - no billy club!" Mel Gibson is negotiating for the rights to make the movie version.

Mike Cox quick to see the profit in anything, has moved to form his own independent corporation utilizing much of the equipment and crew of U-per Fuzz Buzz. Aptly the subsidiary is chaired by Cox and incorporated as BuzzCox. Fathers' groups have suggested that some of the proceeds from BuzzCox productions go toward the child support debt that Michigan holds against the fathers. But Cox retorts "That would benefit the fathers and that is exactly what we are determined not to do!"

The huge proceeds that the program is expected to bring in has caused Moms for More Deadbeats (MFMDBS) to promote the program. Their motto: "We roll our own [Deadbeats]." MFMDBS has a calender of their most attractive members posing nude. Their glossy calender, titled - Deadbeat Groupies, will be advertised on the first broadcast of the kid cop raids. Even though the Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox does not want to benefit the fathers, MFMDBS' calender ladies are willing to visit the jails and sign their Deadbeat Groupie Calender for the dads, which the groupies assume will make the men's jail time well spent.

Though Cox , somehow, got out of the woods with the ex's, he is now in the outhouse with the trial lawyers who have filed a class action suit against BuzzCox because he refuses to pay the children for their acting. The suit also claims that the company has broken the child labor laws by keeping the children out too late on school nights. Mike Cox has answered the charges by claiming that the children are not acting! Plus, he claims that the kids get to nap during the stakeouts and immediately after the director calls the raid a rap.

The class action suit has caused fathers' groups to gloat that Cox's billy-clubs will go the way of Cox's pizza pies."We will beat Cox's Keystone Cop flick like we beat his pizza pies," says Clark Henderson of the fathers' rights organization, WANA (We Are Not Animals). "Even if Mike Cox is slapped down, in the past he has proved as serpentine as a greased eel, so there is no telling where he will stick his head out next, " says Ms. Hillary Bloomfield, Deadbeat Groupie's Miss October. "Wherever Cox slithers next it is sure to be in some place vital."

Cox's opponents are very wary, even paranoid, of his genius for invention; so that while they bluster about their assured victory at the present, they are dreading the next Mike Cox invention.

Even so, for now it is clear Mike Cox's next step is to the courthouse. Yet before Medusa's headdress can even hiss, the tabloid potentates pose their Bullwinkle questions: " Will Cox have to pay his tiny actors, or will he hire midgets?" "Will BuzzCox have to take the nap?" The court my decide in Cox's favor but "will public opinion once again reverse the decision?" No one can fathom the depth of Cox's mind or the court's decisions so we anxiously awaiting the plunge into the black leagues of their legal fancy - hitherto and thenceforth, hold your nose or grab an oxygen tank!

More importantly than the class action suit is the underlining trend that runs through Mike Cox's innovations: "provisions that will allow [child support enforcement officials] to plunder and criminalize more citizens, using children as the justification." Absurdistan in America
LewRockwell.com, 24 September 2003, Dr. Stephen Baskerville. "it is difficult to see how encouraging children to turn against their parents is a proper government function." Deadbeat Dad Contest Bad for Kids - Wendy McElroy - MensNewsDaily.com™

Perhaps Thomas Jefferson can give us further insight into the role of government:

"Offices are acceptable here as else where, and whenever a man has cast a longing eye on them, a rottenness begins in his conduct." Letter to Tench Coxe [May 21, 1799].

"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? Or have we found angels....[Halo is missing but Cox has the confidence]. First Inaugural Address [March 4, 1801].

"...a wise and frugal government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free ... and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government...." [In Jefferson's time government tended to be both wise and frugal. Today we are simply frugal?] Ibid.

Rex Stout
Chicago, IL.