The Ghosts of Maureen Dowd: Past, Present and Future

by Mike Spaniola

Books should not be judged by their titles, but sometimes the title is the message. Such is the case with Maureen Dowd’s latest tome of bile and bias, Are Men Necessary? The book will have real zing once translated into a more appropriate language, say, like German, and retitled Fraulein Uber Alles.

While out promoting her book, the New York Times columnist met with the usual obsequiousness that mainstream media bestows upon their politically like-minded colleagues, especially one so en-Dowd. When she was on MSNBC with Chris Matthews recently, he gushed: “And, by the way, I just love the title!”

Let’s imagine a newspaper editor, Millard Matthews, interviewing the outspoken and always witty Scarlett O’Dowd in the post-Confederate South, circa 1870.

Matthews: “Scarlett, I cotton to the title of your new book, Are Negroes Necessary?, like a moth takes to a flame.”

O’Dowd: “Well, Millard, while it’s true that at one time we did need the black man’s strong arms and sinewy backs to pick our cotton, those days are now gone. Newfangled machines like the cotton gin are replacing him.”

Matthews: “Yes, Scarlett, you raise a most timely issue, one that is on the minds of the American people. And, by the way, have I told you how lovely you look today?”

O’Dowd: “Oh, Millard, you’re making this innocent little Southern girl blush as red as Georgia clay!”

Or imagine this interview, circa 1938, between German radio host Günter Goebbels-Matthews and his charming guest, Gertrude Gehring-Dowd.

Goebbels-Matthews: Your new book, Are Jews Necessary?, appeals to me like strudel and gluwein on a winter’s night.

Gehring-Dowd:Danke, mein herr! And don’t forget about the Catholics, the trade unionists, and the other rabble of society. We will make a better world without them. We will do it for the children, ja?

Goebbels-Matthews: Jawohl , you beautiful blue-eyed Aryan! But you have many detractors outside of the motherland, nein? They say the book’s title sends the wrong message, that it will create hatred toward Jews and incite violence among the masses.

Gehring-Dowd: The title? Don’t take it so seriously! Das ist ein witz! I’ll bet a pound of the best braunschweiger in Berlin that my critics have not even read das buch!

Now let’s jump ahead to, say, circa 2075, and this galactic telepathic transmission of newsman Matue ZX20 interviewing author Dood VA37.

Matue ZX20:[bleep …] Love your new mental imagery download, Are Venusians Necessary? For someone who is from Mars, you certainly know your subject matter well.

Dood VA37: Yes. Well, my grandmother’s spinster sister once wrote a similar book about men. That was right around the time of the female’s great decline. By then, men with their superior intelligence, drive and resourcefulness had already made the female of the species obsolete in the kitchen and most elsewhere around the house. He no longer needed her to sew, knit or mend his clothes and his washing machine even added fabric softener and bleach on its own. Food technology had eliminated all but a few cooking chores and microwave ovens provided food within minutes.

Matue ZX20: And don’t forget about automatic dishwashers and online shopping back then, too, Dood. Say, have I told you how much more I enjoy your company compared to that of women? Too bad men didn’t learn to do without women a whole lot sooner.

Dood VA37: Yes, it is too bad indeed that for millennia our male ancestors suffered untold exploitation and oppression serving whimsical females. Now with galactic-age synthetic materials and harvested eggs, men have made women unnecessary even in bedrooms and maternity wards.

Matue ZX20: That’s certainly true, Dood, but sometimes you young guys fail to realize that occasionally it’s still fun to be with one of the genetically engineered cheerleader models! But I digress …

Dood VA37: The days of gender-reciprocity are gone, Matue. Sadly, women such as my great-aunt Maureen had become like pampered housecats. Theirs was a false evolution and a fleeting fame. In a metaphorical sense, they had ventured too far from shelter only to learn too late that hungry hawks patrolled the sky above.

Matue ZX20: That’s right. They came for the Venusians, but I was not one, so I did not speak up. I mean, with women like Dowd, who in the hell would want to anyway?

Dood VA37: To recite a colloquialism from 100 years ago: “Right on, brother.” [bleep …]

Mike Spaniola writes frequently on political topics from high atop the Rocky Mountains in central Colorado.