The Ninth Circuit Court Will Outlaw Opposite Sex Marriages, and Other Predictions for 2006
by Doug Powers
Yet another year has nearly passed us by. As mainstream media editorial boards are busy revising what happened in 2005 for use in their "year in review" stories, we instead look forward to 2006, and what the year could have in store. It promises to be an interesting 12 months.
In 2006:
--Liberals will continue to take a short break from demanding that nobody smoke, drink, eat meat, drive SUV's, display Christian symbols, use chemicals on their lawns, hunt, fish, build additions on their homes, shop at Wal-Mart and wear fur-- so as to have more time to bash George W. Bush for stomping on privacy rights.
--California's Ninth Circuit Court will outlaw opposite-sex marriages.
--John McCain, joined by the next Democrat in line on the bipartisan carousel, will introduce Senate bill 1628, which will seek to impose strict government regulations for an unspecified, yet-to-be-invented product that may or may not reach the U.S. Patent Office in 2006.
--The hip-hop world will be stunned at the news that Tupac Shakur is indeed alive, and living in a pit in Georgia Rep. Cynthia McKinney's basement.
--Construction will begin on a 2,000 mile fence along the U.S.-Mexico border. Bill Clinton will endorse the idea after crafty Republicans assure the former president that the fence isn't designed to keep Mexicans out, but to keep Salma Hayek in.
--China's space program will take a Great Leap Forward after that country becomes the first ever to put dissidents on Mars.
--Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin will castigate the U.S. military after discovering that prayer rugs offered to detainees at Guantanamo Bay aren't sufficiently Scotchguarded.
--GQ magazine will publish an article that claims there are two reasons men should never wear a toupee. Those two reasons will be "Burt" and "Reynolds."
--While traveling through a small Texas town en route to Camp Casey, a bus carrying more than a dozen has-been folk singers will overturn. FEMA will call for an evacuation of the town, but the order comes too late for many residents, who will tragically succumb to the ensuing singalong.
--Vacuum magnate David Oreck will purchase the rights to all Madonna and Guy Ritchie movies and attempt to harness their suck power.
--Hillary Clinton, attempting to soften her image for a presidential run in '08, will switch from "icy scowl" to "arctic glare."
--A new set of photos, purported to be from Abu-Ghraib, will cause a stir after they begin circulating around Capitol Hill, but the scandal will run out of steam after they turn out to be pictures from Elton John's wedding reception.
--A colonoscopy will be performed on Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, and doctors will remove two benign polyps and several fencepost splinters.
--Michael Newdow will travel to Tokyo and file a lawsuit against Japanese filmmakers in an attempt to have the word "God" removed from "Godzilla."
--On death row in California, Scott Peterson will finish work on his children's book, "Daddy Buys a Boat," and curse Hollywood activists for ignoring his redemption.
--Harry Reid will set out to retrace the exact route taken by Sir Edmund Hillary up Mt. Everest, but call it off after getting winded a quarter mile into the climb and then accuse Republicans of raising the mountain.
--Dick Morris will release 17 books. Then, in February ...
--In a controversial case, the U.S. Supreme Court will narrowly strike down a lower-court ruling that any Nativity scene in a public area must depict the Virgin Mary first meeting with representatives from Planned Parenthood.
--Democratic National Committee Chairman, Dr. Howard Dean, unable to raise adequate funds for his party, will be forced to pay several DNC staffers with free prostate exams.
--The NCAA will order the University of Illinois to completely discontinue using the mascot that is offensive to the Native American culture, "Chief Illiniwek," and replace it with something more politically correct and honorable to their heritage.
U of I officials will spend the ensuing weeks trying to figure out how to dress a guy up as a casino.
--Harry Belafonte will again accuse various conservative black Americans of being "Uncle Toms", and then continue singing and dancing for a crowd of mostly white people.
--Democrat analyst and consultant James Carville will get his own cable morning show called "Wake up with Carville." The program, geared toward the female demographic, will utilize this promotion: "At last, ladies, you can wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem."
--Dan Rather will team up with CNN after being coupled as the perfect match by eHarmony.com.
--A new unit of time measurement, known as a "Boxo-second," will be introduced. The fledgling term will be used to describe the length of time it takes Barbara Boxer to put NARAL pamphlets under the windshield wipers of all the cars in the parking lot of a Lamaze class.
--Tom Delay will be indicted for refusing to coax Rush Limbaugh into giving his medical records to the Palm Beach County State Attorney's office.
--The partial-birth abortion ban will be revisited by Congress, this time with Ted Kennedy showing up to the Senate chamber to protest by wearing a T-shirt which reads, "If abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will be allowed to screw around with a Kennedy."
--The 78th annual Academy Awards will be cancelled after officials receive a credible threat that an Oscar nominee is planning to deliver a pro-Bush speech.
And finally...
--A major bio-terrorism plot will be thwarted after the FBI uncovers a secret plan by Islamic extremists to throw Michael Moore into New York City's public water supply.
There will be more surprises to be sure. A happy and prosperous 2006 to you all!
Doug Powers is a columnist and author from Michigan whose work appears regularly on MensNewDaily, WorldNetDaily, and various newspapers around the country. Doug's first book, "Because that's the way God decided to do it: A conservative father fields confusing questions from his confused kids about a confusing world" is now available. Click here for chapter samples and to order. Also, check out Doug's blog for daily commentary.
Yet another year has nearly passed us by. As mainstream media editorial boards are busy revising what happened in 2005 for use in their "year in review" stories, we instead look forward to 2006, and what the year could have in store. It promises to be an interesting 12 months.
In 2006:
--Liberals will continue to take a short break from demanding that nobody smoke, drink, eat meat, drive SUV's, display Christian symbols, use chemicals on their lawns, hunt, fish, build additions on their homes, shop at Wal-Mart and wear fur-- so as to have more time to bash George W. Bush for stomping on privacy rights.
--California's Ninth Circuit Court will outlaw opposite-sex marriages.
--John McCain, joined by the next Democrat in line on the bipartisan carousel, will introduce Senate bill 1628, which will seek to impose strict government regulations for an unspecified, yet-to-be-invented product that may or may not reach the U.S. Patent Office in 2006.
--The hip-hop world will be stunned at the news that Tupac Shakur is indeed alive, and living in a pit in Georgia Rep. Cynthia McKinney's basement.
--Construction will begin on a 2,000 mile fence along the U.S.-Mexico border. Bill Clinton will endorse the idea after crafty Republicans assure the former president that the fence isn't designed to keep Mexicans out, but to keep Salma Hayek in.
--China's space program will take a Great Leap Forward after that country becomes the first ever to put dissidents on Mars.
--Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin will castigate the U.S. military after discovering that prayer rugs offered to detainees at Guantanamo Bay aren't sufficiently Scotchguarded.
--GQ magazine will publish an article that claims there are two reasons men should never wear a toupee. Those two reasons will be "Burt" and "Reynolds."
--While traveling through a small Texas town en route to Camp Casey, a bus carrying more than a dozen has-been folk singers will overturn. FEMA will call for an evacuation of the town, but the order comes too late for many residents, who will tragically succumb to the ensuing singalong.
--Vacuum magnate David Oreck will purchase the rights to all Madonna and Guy Ritchie movies and attempt to harness their suck power.
--Hillary Clinton, attempting to soften her image for a presidential run in '08, will switch from "icy scowl" to "arctic glare."
--A new set of photos, purported to be from Abu-Ghraib, will cause a stir after they begin circulating around Capitol Hill, but the scandal will run out of steam after they turn out to be pictures from Elton John's wedding reception.
--A colonoscopy will be performed on Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, and doctors will remove two benign polyps and several fencepost splinters.
--Michael Newdow will travel to Tokyo and file a lawsuit against Japanese filmmakers in an attempt to have the word "God" removed from "Godzilla."
--On death row in California, Scott Peterson will finish work on his children's book, "Daddy Buys a Boat," and curse Hollywood activists for ignoring his redemption.
--Harry Reid will set out to retrace the exact route taken by Sir Edmund Hillary up Mt. Everest, but call it off after getting winded a quarter mile into the climb and then accuse Republicans of raising the mountain.
--Dick Morris will release 17 books. Then, in February ...
--In a controversial case, the U.S. Supreme Court will narrowly strike down a lower-court ruling that any Nativity scene in a public area must depict the Virgin Mary first meeting with representatives from Planned Parenthood.
--Democratic National Committee Chairman, Dr. Howard Dean, unable to raise adequate funds for his party, will be forced to pay several DNC staffers with free prostate exams.
--The NCAA will order the University of Illinois to completely discontinue using the mascot that is offensive to the Native American culture, "Chief Illiniwek," and replace it with something more politically correct and honorable to their heritage.
U of I officials will spend the ensuing weeks trying to figure out how to dress a guy up as a casino.
--Harry Belafonte will again accuse various conservative black Americans of being "Uncle Toms", and then continue singing and dancing for a crowd of mostly white people.
--Democrat analyst and consultant James Carville will get his own cable morning show called "Wake up with Carville." The program, geared toward the female demographic, will utilize this promotion: "At last, ladies, you can wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem."
--Dan Rather will team up with CNN after being coupled as the perfect match by eHarmony.com.
--A new unit of time measurement, known as a "Boxo-second," will be introduced. The fledgling term will be used to describe the length of time it takes Barbara Boxer to put NARAL pamphlets under the windshield wipers of all the cars in the parking lot of a Lamaze class.
--Tom Delay will be indicted for refusing to coax Rush Limbaugh into giving his medical records to the Palm Beach County State Attorney's office.
--The partial-birth abortion ban will be revisited by Congress, this time with Ted Kennedy showing up to the Senate chamber to protest by wearing a T-shirt which reads, "If abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will be allowed to screw around with a Kennedy."
--The 78th annual Academy Awards will be cancelled after officials receive a credible threat that an Oscar nominee is planning to deliver a pro-Bush speech.
And finally...
--A major bio-terrorism plot will be thwarted after the FBI uncovers a secret plan by Islamic extremists to throw Michael Moore into New York City's public water supply.
There will be more surprises to be sure. A happy and prosperous 2006 to you all!
Doug Powers is a columnist and author from Michigan whose work appears regularly on MensNewDaily, WorldNetDaily, and various newspapers around the country. Doug's first book, "Because that's the way God decided to do it: A conservative father fields confusing questions from his confused kids about a confusing world" is now available. Click here for chapter samples and to order. Also, check out Doug's blog for daily commentary.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home