D.C. Doggie Style: Ted Kennedy's New Book
by Jim Manion
Having solved all of America's problems, Senator Ted Kennedy has found the time to write a children's book. But this is just not any children's book; it is a book explaining how things work in Washington, D.C. from the perspective of Ted's dog, ironically named "Splash".
Now I have not read the book, but one can imagine the insight provided on how things work in D.C. through the eyes of a dog. Not any ordinary dog, mind you, Ted Kennedy's dog.
Let's imagine what the corpulent crusader's canine would reveal about the inner workings of our nation's capitol.
Splash is amazed at the scene of familiar dog like behavior. What appears to be butt sniffing going on all around Splash is revealed to be an art form known as butt kissing. Men and women called lobbyists seem to be the most practiced and adept at this behavior. And the elected officials are not only receptive to this practice, they welcome and reward it by granting wishes to the kissers, but only if a bag of treats is put into something called a political action committee. Splash can relate - for a treat, Splash will sit, rollover, speak or fetch another bottle of scotch from the pantry.
And now we get to "How a Bill Becomes Law". On what they cal the floor, there is a LOT of barking. Master Ted barks a lot. And he bears his teeth a lot. This confuses Splash, since smaller humans do not back away from Master Ted. And most bigger and smarter humans ignore Master Ted. Yet he barks, growls and barks some more. Splash is getting very confused. Master Ted cannot run or think with the big dogs, yet the decorative human dogs treat him like a big dog. These decorative human dogs are lap dogs. Splash learns they are from something called the main stream media.
Splash notices that Master Ted can bark louder than the other dogs, even though the bark is always the same. Splash knows this does not work in the dog world, and becomes more confused. Splash is getting anxious.
Now Master Ted barks even louder, but almost no one hears his bark. How can that be? There are a few humans listening, but none of the people he is barking at are paying attention. Why doesn't Master Ted bite them? Splash concludes that his master is all bark and no bite. Splash is looking for some of that good stuff that Master Ted drinks. He can smell it everywhere, but cannot find any to drink. Splash relieves himself in the middle of the Senate. No one notices. Splash realizes that the Senate is where lots of crap is deposited, and most people cannot smell it.
But at home, Splash realizes that this accident would be met with serious consequence. Flash has no desire to join other dogs in something called a support group funded by the federal government. Flash is now starting to lose his fur. And Flash become even more obsessed in cleansing his privates.
Master Ted barks more. No one seems to hear? Are these other people deaf? Granted, it is the same bark time and time again (which distresses Splash even more), but no pays attention to his master. Master Ted has told Splash many times about how he is a great master because he is the Big Dog. Splash is confused even more, because dogs always obey the big dog. Splash develops mange.
Splash hears Master Ted deliver a speech. Splash likes Master Ted's voice, almost as much as Master Ted does. But Master Ted is saying that the good dogs that are admired by other dogs should be treated the same as lazy dogs. Splash has always been a dog that other dogs admired. But Master Ted wants to treat Splash like dogs that cannot swim, cannot hunt, and cannot think. Master Ted wants to have Splash be on the same ground as a poodle. He wants to take all of Splash's talents and hard working ability and give those to the dogs with no talent or working ability. Splash is now in high anxiety. But Splash realizes that Master Ted has become a very large person with no talent or ability. Splash is given a brief reprieve, until Splash realizes that master Ted has gotten to where he is now, by, a pedigree. Splash falls into deep depression.
Anxiety leads to a call of nature, once again, but Master Ted seems to relieve himself almost all of the time on a Bush. Splash has not been able to find the Bush, and his anxiety increases. Where is this Bush that Master Ted dumps on? Splash has no desire to go into rehab because of a second event. Splash keeps it in, all the while looking frantically for that oasis of Democratic relief called "Bush".
Splash starts to pace frantically. The barking is in overdrive. Now others are barking back. They look the same but sound like a different breed. There must be a fence somewhere, but Splash can't see it. And they are barking back at Master Ted. But Master Ted is not in the room. Splash is now on condition red. Back and forth, barking and growling, and master Ted has left Splash. Splash sees Master Ted an hour later. He smells funny. That is the Master's evening rather than afternoon smell. Flash is now totally disoriented. Flash retreats into his comfort zone. With fur falling out everywhere, Flash starts cleaning his male parts. Flash starts to relax.
After his Capitol experience, Splash's nervous habit is out of control. He cannot stop his obsession with male dog cleanliness. At first Splash thinks that this behavior was brought on by his experience on Capitol Hill. Has Master Ted put Splash on the abyss of doggie heaven?
But then splash hears about a man named Sean Penn who himself has a nasty habit he cannot stop. This man Penn cannot stop putting something into his mouth. This Sean Penn says George Bush is to blame. Splash comes to the conclusion that George Bush is to blame for his problem as well.
Master Ted certainly is not to blame. Master Ted is a fine owner, and gives Splash everything that Splash wants. All that Splash has to do (for extra treats) is to push a lever in something called a voting booth every couple of years. Master Ted provides Splash with everything a dog needs, and all he asks in return is a vote. What a deal! Splash learns there are many overweight dogs in things called "Democratic Strongholds" due to all of the treats they get for adding lever pushing to sitting and rolling over.
Yes, George Bush has to be the cause of all of Splash's problems, since Splash has heard that George Bush does not like black dogs.
At the end of the book, Splash is left wondering how Master Ted gave him the name Splash, especially since Splash heard that Master Ted let his female companion drown, even though Master Ted is a good swimmer. Master Ted never bothered to retrieve her. Splash wonders why Master Ted could not retrieve her, and why he named his retriever "Splash". And Splash blames George Bush since George Bush when he was Governor of Texas, had the gall to put bad dogs to sleep. Splash now loves a good Irish Beer and a fine single malt scotch. Splash loves Master Ted's dinner parties, and now makes sure that all glasses are empty. Splash staggers off to bed, with more treats than he needs. But Splash knows he will need more, and Master Ted will take what Splash from the working dogs and give them to the dogs that do not work.
Splash can no longer swim, and Splash can no longer work, according to what master Ted has said. Splash has something called a "disability" which entitles Splash to free food and care forever. Splash likes Master Ted.
Now, that is one hell of a children's book. Splash's next book will be with OJ's dog, "Slash"? They already have a title - "One Crime, Two Crime, Red Crime, Blue Crime."
Jim Manion is a freelance writer, and a retired Major in the US Army Reserves Military Police Corps, and is an Honors Graduate of the U.S. Army Command and General Staff College. Mr. Manion now runs a small business in the heartland after practicing law for 24 years.
Having solved all of America's problems, Senator Ted Kennedy has found the time to write a children's book. But this is just not any children's book; it is a book explaining how things work in Washington, D.C. from the perspective of Ted's dog, ironically named "Splash".
Now I have not read the book, but one can imagine the insight provided on how things work in D.C. through the eyes of a dog. Not any ordinary dog, mind you, Ted Kennedy's dog.
Let's imagine what the corpulent crusader's canine would reveal about the inner workings of our nation's capitol.
Splash is amazed at the scene of familiar dog like behavior. What appears to be butt sniffing going on all around Splash is revealed to be an art form known as butt kissing. Men and women called lobbyists seem to be the most practiced and adept at this behavior. And the elected officials are not only receptive to this practice, they welcome and reward it by granting wishes to the kissers, but only if a bag of treats is put into something called a political action committee. Splash can relate - for a treat, Splash will sit, rollover, speak or fetch another bottle of scotch from the pantry.
And now we get to "How a Bill Becomes Law". On what they cal the floor, there is a LOT of barking. Master Ted barks a lot. And he bears his teeth a lot. This confuses Splash, since smaller humans do not back away from Master Ted. And most bigger and smarter humans ignore Master Ted. Yet he barks, growls and barks some more. Splash is getting very confused. Master Ted cannot run or think with the big dogs, yet the decorative human dogs treat him like a big dog. These decorative human dogs are lap dogs. Splash learns they are from something called the main stream media.
Splash notices that Master Ted can bark louder than the other dogs, even though the bark is always the same. Splash knows this does not work in the dog world, and becomes more confused. Splash is getting anxious.
Now Master Ted barks even louder, but almost no one hears his bark. How can that be? There are a few humans listening, but none of the people he is barking at are paying attention. Why doesn't Master Ted bite them? Splash concludes that his master is all bark and no bite. Splash is looking for some of that good stuff that Master Ted drinks. He can smell it everywhere, but cannot find any to drink. Splash relieves himself in the middle of the Senate. No one notices. Splash realizes that the Senate is where lots of crap is deposited, and most people cannot smell it.
But at home, Splash realizes that this accident would be met with serious consequence. Flash has no desire to join other dogs in something called a support group funded by the federal government. Flash is now starting to lose his fur. And Flash become even more obsessed in cleansing his privates.
Master Ted barks more. No one seems to hear? Are these other people deaf? Granted, it is the same bark time and time again (which distresses Splash even more), but no pays attention to his master. Master Ted has told Splash many times about how he is a great master because he is the Big Dog. Splash is confused even more, because dogs always obey the big dog. Splash develops mange.
Splash hears Master Ted deliver a speech. Splash likes Master Ted's voice, almost as much as Master Ted does. But Master Ted is saying that the good dogs that are admired by other dogs should be treated the same as lazy dogs. Splash has always been a dog that other dogs admired. But Master Ted wants to treat Splash like dogs that cannot swim, cannot hunt, and cannot think. Master Ted wants to have Splash be on the same ground as a poodle. He wants to take all of Splash's talents and hard working ability and give those to the dogs with no talent or working ability. Splash is now in high anxiety. But Splash realizes that Master Ted has become a very large person with no talent or ability. Splash is given a brief reprieve, until Splash realizes that master Ted has gotten to where he is now, by, a pedigree. Splash falls into deep depression.
Anxiety leads to a call of nature, once again, but Master Ted seems to relieve himself almost all of the time on a Bush. Splash has not been able to find the Bush, and his anxiety increases. Where is this Bush that Master Ted dumps on? Splash has no desire to go into rehab because of a second event. Splash keeps it in, all the while looking frantically for that oasis of Democratic relief called "Bush".
Splash starts to pace frantically. The barking is in overdrive. Now others are barking back. They look the same but sound like a different breed. There must be a fence somewhere, but Splash can't see it. And they are barking back at Master Ted. But Master Ted is not in the room. Splash is now on condition red. Back and forth, barking and growling, and master Ted has left Splash. Splash sees Master Ted an hour later. He smells funny. That is the Master's evening rather than afternoon smell. Flash is now totally disoriented. Flash retreats into his comfort zone. With fur falling out everywhere, Flash starts cleaning his male parts. Flash starts to relax.
After his Capitol experience, Splash's nervous habit is out of control. He cannot stop his obsession with male dog cleanliness. At first Splash thinks that this behavior was brought on by his experience on Capitol Hill. Has Master Ted put Splash on the abyss of doggie heaven?
But then splash hears about a man named Sean Penn who himself has a nasty habit he cannot stop. This man Penn cannot stop putting something into his mouth. This Sean Penn says George Bush is to blame. Splash comes to the conclusion that George Bush is to blame for his problem as well.
Master Ted certainly is not to blame. Master Ted is a fine owner, and gives Splash everything that Splash wants. All that Splash has to do (for extra treats) is to push a lever in something called a voting booth every couple of years. Master Ted provides Splash with everything a dog needs, and all he asks in return is a vote. What a deal! Splash learns there are many overweight dogs in things called "Democratic Strongholds" due to all of the treats they get for adding lever pushing to sitting and rolling over.
Yes, George Bush has to be the cause of all of Splash's problems, since Splash has heard that George Bush does not like black dogs.
At the end of the book, Splash is left wondering how Master Ted gave him the name Splash, especially since Splash heard that Master Ted let his female companion drown, even though Master Ted is a good swimmer. Master Ted never bothered to retrieve her. Splash wonders why Master Ted could not retrieve her, and why he named his retriever "Splash". And Splash blames George Bush since George Bush when he was Governor of Texas, had the gall to put bad dogs to sleep. Splash now loves a good Irish Beer and a fine single malt scotch. Splash loves Master Ted's dinner parties, and now makes sure that all glasses are empty. Splash staggers off to bed, with more treats than he needs. But Splash knows he will need more, and Master Ted will take what Splash from the working dogs and give them to the dogs that do not work.
Splash can no longer swim, and Splash can no longer work, according to what master Ted has said. Splash has something called a "disability" which entitles Splash to free food and care forever. Splash likes Master Ted.
Now, that is one hell of a children's book. Splash's next book will be with OJ's dog, "Slash"? They already have a title - "One Crime, Two Crime, Red Crime, Blue Crime."
Jim Manion is a freelance writer, and a retired Major in the US Army Reserves Military Police Corps, and is an Honors Graduate of the U.S. Army Command and General Staff College. Mr. Manion now runs a small business in the heartland after practicing law for 24 years.
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