Rudolph Fired- For Saying Merry Christmas

Late last night an announcement came across the NPP (North Pole Press) wire; and it has now been confirmed- the jolly red man formerly known as Santa has fired Rudolph for wishing all the other reindeer a Merry Christmas.It had been rumored that during the “reindeer (not just exclusive but inclusive) games” last week that Rudolph was heard saying, as he was passing out high hooves to all his teammates, “Have a Merry Christmas!”

Santa, who recently changed his name to The Representative of the United Nations, immediately flew into a rage and fired Rudolph on the spot. Reports are now saying that Rudolph is going to file a suit against Santa because his free speech rights were violated. Santa has been unavailable for comment.

Evidently, this all began after last years secularists tried to abolish God from the season, a season popular for celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Santa had begun to succumb not only to the protests and nasty letters received demanding that he stop making the holiday season sound "Christian" in nature, but also the yearly demands of meeting quotas set forth by market forces. These added pressures along with his home life disintegrating and his employees increased demands, brought Santa to query, “What is Christmas really all about?”

Feeling that no one really cared anymore, Santa decided he had had enough of all this sappy religious stuff. Santa had had his doubts over a baby named Jesus and, with his world seemingly falling apart, Santa thought, "What had Jesus ever done for him? Perhaps these secularists were correct after all."Santa’s year had begun on a tough note.

During the year Mrs. Claus had become a feminist, joined the Peace Corps and ran away with another woman. His elves were tired of the demands of making faster and better toys. The hours the elves kept were grueling and they could not afford to further their education to keep up with the fast pace of technology. Santa tried to obtain government grants, since his elves were considered minorities, but thanks to out of control government spending, the funding was gone and only a few elves could be subsidized to go to school. This caused jealously amongst the elves, and at last, the elves formed a union.

The union stated that if Santa wouldn’t cover all the expenses for elves education, limit their working hours to 36 a week and guarantee pay raises of 12% every six months that they would all strike…alas…. the elves walked. Prior to their walk out, the elves in frustration over the lack of the government’s involvement to meet their demands trashed, gutted, and torched the toy factory. Many of the elves now work as lobbyist.

After the elves left Santa knew he could never meet the strenuous toy making demands. He rallied the reindeer team to help him, but due to their appendage-challenged mobility the reindeer soon began to complain that they could not be expected to take over the elves production pace and produce the same quality toys for all the children. The reindeer honestly wanted to help Santa but, they were not designed to produce trinkets, cars, X Boxes, and dolls. Their talents lay solely in flying, leaping and playing games. Without the support of a loving wife, his toy makers on permanent strike and a production factory gone Santa decided God didn’t take care of him when he was in need so, there must not be one. It was then Santa left behind St. Nick, Saint Nicholas, Santa, Kris Kringle, and Santa Claus, he legally became known as The Representative of the United Nations, aka RUN.

RUN had held a meeting earlier in the fall and announced to his ever shrinking staff that there would be no more mention of God and especially no wishing anyone a “Merry Christmas.” As he made his declarations known to his staff he informed them that all orders for toys would now come via China and he was considering the hiring of the illegal aliens that arrived just last week by snowplow.

RUN was locked into a contract to supply the children in the world with all they desired every 25th of December and his contract would not run out for another 75 years, he was stuck. RUN was an aging, unhappy, oversized elf. Divorced, overworked, budget strained and living with a few reindeer had taken its toll upon what was once a right jolly elf. RUN had no faith, hope or belief in himself or anything larger than himself. RUN’s, “HO, HO, HO!” had turned into… “Oh, oh, oh I cannot allow any form of Merry or Christmas into my life ever again.”

The other reindeer collectively agreed that Rudolph was not always the brightest bulb in the pack, but understood his intentions when he wished them all a “Merry Christmas.” Donner spoke for the herd, “We all believe Rudolph has the right to wish anyone a Merry Christmas, quite frankly, speaking as a half-Jew myself I have never had a problem with it. I and my family enjoy all the holiday’s many festivities.”

According to the gossip magazine Northern Exposure, the latest scuttlebutt is this, "Frosty the Snowman has offered to buy out Santa, but Mrs. Frosty has stated that the whole idea leaves her cold."