Parents without a Clue
Not long ago, I wrote a piece on a Canadian father whose daughter sued him because he had grounded her. The court ruled for the girl who now lives with her mother. I, and I think a lot of people were astonished that a child could get away with that, but now I think I understand why.
This article is about parenting, specifically whether and how to discipline other people's children (MSNBC, 4/20/09). It begins with a mother telling how her daughter brought home a friend from camp. The girl's clothes and shoes were sandy and muddy. She trouped into the house and threw herself on the couch. The mother said not a word and "slunk out of the room."
From there the article goes on to discuss various scenarios in which a parent or adult may be confronted with another's children who need discipline. The question of who has the right to discipline children who aren't theirs in different situations can be a difficult one. But it's made a lot more difficult by the attitudes of these adults - parents and experts alike - who seem utterly cowed by children.
The writer ultimately puts this down to a sense among parents that children are extensions of themselves and therefore, to criticize another's children is to criticize the other parent. And if you do that maybe you too will be criticized. Or some such nonsense. The truth is that adults need to set the rules, particularly in their own houses, cars, etc. And in other places like parks or movie theaters, if there's no other adult around, they need to set rules there too.
Admittedly, there are some ambiguous situations, but the one in which the girl plopped her muddy self down on the writer's couch is not one of them. A mother who doesn't understand that it's her house and her rules needs some sessions on someone else's couch. She's got problems.
The article gives a series of hypothetical scenarios in which adult discipline of children may or may not be appropriate. For example, No. 2: "Your friends' kids are sitting behind you at a movie poking each other, laughing loudly and letting their cell phones beep over and over again." What should you do? According to the article you should, "Turn around, give them a big smile and say something like 'Hey Jimmie, isn't this a great movie?'"
That's discipline? What if Jimmie says, "Nah, this movie sucks"? Worse by far, a parent who does what the article recommends doesn't (a) demand or even request any change in the child's behavior or (b) give the child the information he/she needs to conform his/her behavior to reasonable standards. If the adult doesn't tell the child that his/her behavior interferes with other people's ability to enjoy the movie, the child may not figure that out. Presumably the adult has a greater understanding of why certain behavior is acceptable and other behavior is not. Where's the sense in not teaching the child not only what the right behavior is, but why it's right?
Almost without exception, children want adult guidance. When they get it they feel like someone is paying attention to them, and they feel secure because they feel like someone is in charge.
There was a time that adults knew that. My guess is that real adults still do.
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